Perfectionism and Leniency

Enter Jezebel, stage right. She was supposed to be a lifelong lover and friend. Someone to share with, someone who would always be there. We formed an instant bond. And then my intuition turned out to be dead on once again. I shared my Dominance with her and she turned out to be more than just a lover and friend; she proved capable of submitting fully to me.

The last two months have been wonderful. I have enjoyed every moment together with my Jezebel, whether just lounging around watching SciFi DVDs together, putting her to work in various ways, or playing with rope for both our amusement. She has rarely failed to complete a task as instructed and we seem to know each other so well that she has excelled in serving me. And I am loath to punish her for minor mistakes or push her too hard because I know how hard she tries to please me.

And yet, despite all of this, I have nagging thoughts that I am far too lenient with her. That perhaps one day she will decide that the bond that holds her is loose indeed and just slip away. Of course such an event would be swiftly remedied, but I prefer a gradual guided approach to nurturing submission over a swift and brutal singular lesson.

I suppose it is the perfectionist in me crying out: Can things really be going this smoothly? Am I being too lenient with my Jezebel? What do I need to do to ensure that she is kept in place; a cherished object, obedient to my will? The answer is simple of course. I must stay alert to the little things and my own intuition. And I must continue to probe and pry at her mind and heart. I must be watchful for things she says or does that suggest she needs a firmer hand.

Above all, I must continue to care for and cherish my Jezebel so that she knows she is owned and with ownership comes service and obedience, safety and love.

Now What?

I am in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment with my D/s relationships. I ended my relationship with my ferret sub a while back. I think that, despite having chemistry and sharing some interests, we were not well matched for a relationship. One problem area in particular was the degree of D/s we are each looking for. I am looking for a sub to train to become a 24/7 slave while I think she was looking for something much more casual as far as power exchange goes.

So for now I am enjoying the free time that being completely single makes possible and am trying to get as many of the loose ends in my life tied up before I start seriously looking for new sub candidates.

My Fantasy

Since I realized and accepted my Dominant side, I have had a recurring fantasy. The fantasy involves owning a big enough house and land to be mostly self-supporting (food, energy, and work/entertainment) for a poly family. In this fantasy, I would own two female slaves and a male slave. Since I don't have sexual feelings for men, the female slaves would be service and sex slaves, while the male would be service only. I would of course still control his access to sexual satisfaction. Perhaps he would have an unowned (or owned) live-in partner? Or maybe I would just allow him to meet outside partners as I see fit. This description sounds very mechanical, but in my fantasy we would all be very close to one another and love each other and what we each bring to the 'family'.

Ok, so that is the fantasy. Back to reality now. I have never been involved with any kind of poly relationship. I have always felt jealous about the idea of sharing those I have been involved with in the past, whether vanilla or D/s and have only been in monogamous relationships so far. But I can say that I have had love in my heart for more than one person at the same time...I just never acted on it. I am nearly done reading The Ethical Slut and so far have found it helpful in gaining new perspectives on the variety of relationships and the nature of jealousy. It is a good starting point for those, like me, who are new to non-monogamous relationships. I also started a thread over on CollarMe on this subject to get feedback from people more experienced with poly.

I am still unsure if this fantasy is something that will become reality for me and even if it does, I imagine it will take many years before everything is in place for it to really work. For now my focus is on developing a strong Master/slave relationship with one person. Of course she will know about this fantasy of mine up front and that I may make it real.

The Master is a slave

Ridiculous you say! Blasphemy against Masters and by extension their slaves? But before you judge, let me try to explain the feelings behind this statement.

The times in my life that I have been alone, without a lover, girlfriend, wife, or slave, I have always been motivated by my inner life goals, or what Paulo Coelho terms my personal legend. And although this felt right and fulfilling, it never felt complete. I always felt that there were parts of me that had to remain hidden from my family, friends, and the world. Even with a (non-slave) 'significant other' to confide in I was never able to share all of myself because I 'knew' some of the things I thought and felt were wrong because that was the general consensus in the world around me.

So what does this have to do with Masters being slaves? Although this is something I have been mulling over for a while, Raven Kaldera gave words to the idea in a TSR post describing how he is "not a slave to [his] own dominance" in the context of describing his interactions with the rest of the world. But later in the post he admits that he would choose Mastery above all else if forced to choose. I also feel this way and so in a sense, I am a slave to my dominance. But if that is the root of the Master is a slave concept, there is also a trunk, branches, and leaves.

The trunk is the way that I feel free to expose myself to my slave like no other in this world. I represent myself to the world as being one who doesn't care what others think, but I know that I censor myself to varying degrees when interacting with others. But with a slave, my darkest desires can be voiced, or if I wish made reality. And although I want my slaves to view me as having a certain air of infallibility (while still knowing that I am human and frail like all who have come before), ultimately my failures do not matter to my slave. They are there to serve and worship me both when I stand tall and when I crawl. In this way my slave holds a special place and power in my life that no others in the world do.

The branches grow strong when I relinquish control over aspects of my life by allowing my slave the privilege of serving me in some capacity. I do not easily allow others to serve me unless I have paid for a service, but this is different than service rendered by someone close to me. Allowing my slave to learn how I like my laundry folded or my dishes washed and put away allows her more deeply into my life and consciousness. These branches of accepting service represent another way in which my slave intertwines her life with mine and in doing so makes me aware of my slavery to my dominance.

And what of the leaves? The leaves of this tree of Mastery and slavehood are the ways in which I care for my slave. For although fulfillment of my desires is the raison d'être for my slave, when someone submits themselves completely to me, it brings out strong nurturing feelings in me. I may not give my slave the things she asks for or demands (if she is so impertinent to do so), but I am prepared to utilize all of the facilities at my disposal to ensure that my slave has the things she needs. And beyond her true needs (which are likely few indeed), I like to pamper my slave at times with things I imagine (rightly or wrongly - it is my imagination after all) she will enjoy, from orgasms and gentle caresses to kind words, from material indulgences to exposure to new experiences and ideas. The leaves are another way in which, through my slavery to my Dominance, I am indeed a slave after all. No, not to another person, but to a part of myself.

I can't claim that these views are universal among Masters, and I have clearly taken liberties with the definition of mastery and slavehood to make this argument. A well crafted response to this essay would likely reduce it to no more than a description of the aspects of ownership that motivate and fulfill me. However I think that with the right perspective it may offer Masters a different way to view their relationship with their inner selves and their slaves. If I am very lucky, it may present everyone else an alternative glimpse into the heads of those who call themselves Masters.

The Training of a Sub

I find myself in an interesting predicament.

I am in contact with one sub who lives far away and is of unknown compatibility. As such I have decided not to pursue a "real life" D/s relationship with her. But she requested help with managing her exercise and diet. And I agreed, although I have serious doubts about how genuine online D/s can be. I am willing to give it a try. I have gathered enough information from her that I believe I will be able to provide sufficient positive and negative reinforcement. It will be very interesting to see the role of reactance in this situation.

The other half of my predicament (well, perhaps another third, but it is too soon to say yet) is with a submissive vanilla girl who I will call my ferret. In an attempt to ascertain if I could go back to vanilla relationships, I went on a date with what I thought was a completely vanilla girl. But it turns out she is submissive, at least by the vanilla dictionary definition. As soon as I realized this, I decided to put all my cards on the table. I have told her what I am looking for (total obedience from a sub), but I don't think she fully understands or is ready to submit to me. She is very defiant and stubborn so far, but there are signs that I may be able to bring out and nurture her submissive side to the point where she could submit to me completely. This would be very nice for me since I like her, but cannot see myself going back to vanilla relationships at this point. I started a new discussion on TSR on this topic with the hope of learning from the experiences of others who have been in this situation before.

It is nice to have more opportunities to learn and develop, but also a bit overwhelming right now. One more month until I am done with school and will be able to devote more time to my other interests.

My First Rope

My rope finally arrived from Twisted Monk. Actually, it arrived several weeks ago, but I had it shipped to the post office under general delivery for discretion and never received a shipping notification, so I didn't bother to check if it had arrived until today. Now I just need to find someone to play with.

15' of 6mm "Sex and Violet" Hemp Rope - Beautiful Isn't It?

As a "starter set" I ordered 8 meters of 6mm "Authentic Shibari," 30 feet of 6mm "exotic Japanese Jute," and 15 feet of 6mm "Sex and Violet." This should be enough for several different combination ties (e.g. chest harness + wrist cuffs).

The Teacup

I found this today on Goddess Lillith's blog and it resonated with me.

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, “May we see that one? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”

As the Man handed it to them, the tea cup spoke. “You don’t understand,” it said, “I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay.

My Master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘Don’t do that. I don’t like it! Let me alone,’ but He only smiled, and gently said, ‘Not yet!’

“Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. ‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick!’, I screamed. But the Master only nodded and said, quietly, ‘Not yet.’

“He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then….then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. ‘Help! Get me out of here!’ I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet.’

“When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better,’ I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please; stop it, stop it!!’ I cried. He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, What’s he going to do to me next?

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself”. And I did. I said, ‘”That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!”

Quietly he spoke: “I want you to remember, then,” he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you would not have survived for long because the hardness would not have held.

Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.”

He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill us.

Thoughts on the Loss of a Sub

My bunny took me by surprise this week. She sent me an email ending our relationship. This was particularly unexpected because up until that point I saw no signs of her moving away from being a submissive or from our relationship. But her email was clear that due to some factors in her life, she was rethinking what she wanted in relationships. This gave me the distinct impression that she is attempting to not be a submissive.

Because of the words and the tone of her email, I chose to fight the urge to attempt to dominate or discipline her out of this decision. She seemed both serious and determined, and knowing that she has a powerful spirit, I had to respect her decision. Part of me does worry that this is just a manifestation of the impulsiveness she constantly warned me of and that by not bringing her back under my guidance, I am somehow letting her down.

I grew very fond of my bunny during our time together and will miss her. She was a natural submissive who needed very little guidance. Based on this I was already making plans to move towards a more serious (M/s) relationship with her. These two things combined with her being my first sub make this a deep loss indeed. I do worry that, just as people tend to do in vanilla relationships, I may slip up and compare some future sub to my bunny. This would of course be unjust, as each sub requires careful analysis, guidance, and discipline unique to their own strengths and limitations. I suppose I should remain hopeful that my next sub will make up for any deficiencies in submissive nature with a stronger sense of commitment.

Things of which I can't freely speak.

First, I feel the need to clarify this post title. There are very few topics which I will conceal or limit discussion on. After all, this is a blog dedicated to sharing my thoughts on the BDSM, D/s, M/s lifestyle. Avoiding frank discussion of what will necessarily be very delicate topics would be inherently counterproductive.

However I have two rules that I will follow in my posting:

1. The names of the innocent and not-so-innocent will be protected. I will go by the name Master Robert, but that is not my real name. My sub will be bunny, or Master Robert's bunny, or even just girl, but her real name and her other Name (I will cover this distinction in the future) will not be used. Other people who may come up in my writings will either be assigned pseudonyms, or just be referred to by a letter (Master B, my friend J, etc.).
2. Places may or may not be made clear. Depending on the impact of revealing the place of certain activities, I may choose to leave out the exact location, or even fabricate a new location. If I know you and you really want to know the where of a particular story, contact me and I may let you in on it.

Locale Not Defined

Last night a bunch of us ended up at a Seattle establishment that doesn't want to exist. At least not in any legal sense. After we went inside and paid the cover charge, we were told the rules of this place. One of the rules is that you cannot talk about it outside of the walls where it is held. I cannot write much about this place, other than to say that it is the most amazing display of underground illegal activity I have witnessed. Every activity I witnessed there was clearly illegal. And yet they were all activities that I would support the legalization of. The only downside to this place is that the air is thick with smoke, leaving non-smokers (perhaps smokers too) with irritated eyes and throats, and stinky clothes. And this is the kind of place were you want, no, are required to wear your finest.

I am playing with the idea of taking my bunny there in her collar and a very revealing dress, and leading her around by a leash. I suspect that most of the patrons won't even bat an eye.