Disappointment

How does an owner deal with disappointment?

Tonight my dearest mouse disappointed me by not living up to an expectation that she planted in my head. As an equal partner my responsibility would be to speak my mind, let her know how I feel. As an owner, my duty to myself and to her is the same. But here I am writing my thoughts before I speak them because of a desire to set down the dilemma in my mind before I unravel it.

So, how does one who can command anything deal with a let down? The simple answer is that I give her the command to fulfill my expectation. But my heart pulls at me. Why should I have to command this?

No Master is God, a god, or even a superior being. But the similarity between this dilemma and the Christian idea that perhaps God gave us free will so that we could love him is striking.

My head and heart are too fully enmeshed in the moment to provide me with a clear answer, but I will seek it out.

Freedom

Strangely enough I have been a prisoner of my own mind for the past few weeks. A great darkness came and swallowed the part of me that makes me whole. And without this center of my being to hold me fast and guide me, the world was a very dark place indeed. All my strengths seemed useless, my flaws insurmountable, and the small barbs we must all fend off each day cut at me relentlessly.

To name something is to have power over it. So I call this darkness for what it is: depression. Yes, even Masters can suffer from this illness.

I don't know how I got to that dark place and now that I am nearly free of it, I can't say I know how I escaped. But my mind feels close to whole again. The dichotomies that are part of me have been restored: calm and wild, kind and vicious, carefully thoughtful and spontaneous. In the dark place these were all muted and I spoke and acted with the voice of one half-dead.

Thank you to those who love me and reached out to me with kindness. And especially to you my darling pet, my mouse, my Jezebel, my love.

Late Night Musings

I should be asleep preparing for another week. Resting my body for the physical challenges I will throw at it and my mind for monotonous work, creative activity, and friendly exchanges. Instead I am nursing a jostled stomach and catching up on computer chores.

I found myself frustrated earlier tonight. A strong sadistic wave swept over me, but I felt the need to hold back from hurting my Jezebel (in the non-permanently damaging way of course) because she was sleepy and her masochism is waning strongly. At this point she seems to enjoy a bit of pain play as part of sex, but overall it is quite limited.

Not that I need my girl to enjoy the pain (in fact my sadism is best satisfied by pushing past that point), but I do want it to be something we both enjoy (even if her enjoyment comes after the fact). So now not only do I need a girlfriend for platonic fun, cuddling, conversation, and great sex, but it appears I also need to find myself a masochist. And this realization comes just days after deciding that I should hold off on finding a girlfriend and use it as a reward for myself for accomplishing some personal goals.

I suppose the smart thing to do would be to divide the reward in two. I will find myself a part time masochist when I finish the first draft of the product specifications. And I will find myself a girlfriend when I finish a working beta for the product.

A Description of our Relationship in My Own Words

I sent the following to a friend who asked me to describe how our relationship works while avoiding M/s terminology. The "She" in this case is my Jezebel, my mouse.

First, you must understand that our relationship started with Recognition. What I believe to be an acknowledgment by our physical selves of the fact that our souls were already intertwined before we met. We found friendship, trust, and love before we discovered that we shared complimentary desires in relationship structure.

The foundation of our relationship is love, trust, openness, communication, and honesty. Without these things, what we do would not be possible.

The framework we constructed on this foundation is based on the mutual understanding that I am the final arbitrator within our relationship. Along with this, I also bear ultimate responsibility for both of our actions and well-being. This allows me a great deal of freedom in planning for our lives, but can also be difficult work. If I am not happy with the way something turns out, I cannot assign blame to her. An unsatisfactory outcome may be the direct result of her action (or inaction), but ultimately I am the one who allowed the action to begin with. I choose not to micro-manage or impose unnecessary restrictions on her because it doesn't suit either of us.

The skin that wraps this whole thing up and is what most people see is a playful and loving relationship between two intense but goofy people. This is a comfortable place for both of us to spend the majority of our time. Because we are both comfortable with the framework and foundation being sound and intact, we do not feel the need to actively demonstrate to ourselves or others that it exists and is sound. Instead we can play freely with the knowledge that when it comes down to it, I Say and She Obeys.

From Where I Stand

From where I stand my world looks pretty good right now. Jezebel and I have moved in together and are enjoying being together much more frequently now. We are starting to build some nice routines and also are finding more time to branch out and meet new people. C. recently came back into Jezebel's life. I am happy for her since I know she had quite a crush on C. Jezebel also managed to meet two new Js, one for a physical relationship and one as a rope top. They are both interesting men and we are looking forward to getting to know each better. I have been in contact with L. through Craigslist. She is cute and seems to have a fun personality. If there is good chemistry when we meet in real life, then the three of us plan to play together.

So the cup runneth over in the realm of intimate relationships. I do miss just hanging out with B. We had good times together, just drinking and talking the nights away. I would like to find a new friend like that now that B. has moved on.

As our life together solidifies into something more and more real and my experience with M/s deepens, I also find my thoughts turning more towards the future and the search for our third. I know she is out there somewhere, but I cannot guess when she will materialize. One year, three, ten? Only time will tell.

The "Other" Woman

Tonight was my first experience being with another woman (Nekko-chan) in the context of an open relationship while tightly bound to someone I love. It was an interesting experience. I found that most of the time I was able to give my full attention to this woman. There were a few moments where I found myself wistfully thinking of my Jezebel; wondering if she was doing ok emotionally, knowing I was with another woman, and wishing she was near. I did not have sex with this new woman due to a desire to wait and make sure her STD results come out clean, but we did make out for a couple of hours. In the course of doing so, I discovered that she has a high pain tolerance. This of course arouses my curiosity of exactly how far I can push her until she cries out in pain. No, it is more of a drive or need than a curiosity. I crave to make her cry out. Of course part of my brain worries that her tolerance may be so high that she may not cry out until I have done her some serious harm...

After Nekko-chan left, some doubts crept into my head about whether this whole thing is actually 'ok' or not. I am certain a great deal of this is due to societal norms still bouncing around in my head, while part of it is due to specific early relationship experiences of mine. In any case, I am looking forward to talking through this experience with my Jezebel on our long drive this weekend. It is always fun to process these things with her.

On a side note, Nekko-chan texted me and let me know that the marks I left on her turned her husband on and that he is eager to meet me! :D

Not About Kinkfest 2008

I planned to post about my experiences at Kinkfest 2008, but a chance encounter led me to a poem, which led me to write how the following poem encompasses my life. I guess the KF roundup will have to wait a week or two. :)

First, the poem:

Following By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, a Native American Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living,
I want to know what you ache for and
if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are,
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring with your moon,
I want to know if you have TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN SORROW
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from the fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own, if you can
DANCE WITH WILDNESS and let the ecstasy fill you to
the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty everyday.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief
and despair, weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire
with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or with whom or what you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

It isn't poetry, but this is my attempt to describe my life in the context of each of the above stanzas:

I dare to dream and act upon the dreams of my heart's longing. Of late I have been most successful in achieving these things in my personal life, but I refuse to give up on making my profession one that fulfills and excites me.

I risk looking like a fool for love, my dreams, and the adventure of being alive. The best moment of the past year was when, after three days, I told the girl I love that I love her, despite being afraid of scaring her off.

I have fallen into depths of sorrow and stand strong and proud upon those painful experiences. In the last six years I lost my mother weeks before I was planning on visiting her and lost a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Both of these were painful, but increased my determination to live and love every minute of life to the fullest that I am capable of.

I once was incapable of seeing pain and not trying to hide from it or fix it. Now I fix it when I can and hold the pain close when I cannot.

I am still a bit of an introvert at times and do not always heed the call to dance with wild abandon, but always love it when I do. I find that pushing myself physically is one of the best ways I can experience this ecstasy.

As I hid from pain, I also hid my inadequacies and failings. Now I bring them to light as quickly as I recognize them, for how can someone know and love me without the whole truth of what I am.

I love finding hidden beauty in the mundane and even the grotesque.

YES! Feeling and embracing the pain of failure makes me feel alive. How would I know the true sweetness of my successes and good times if it weren't for the valleys?

I do what needs to be done with ruthless determination. When something must be done that asks more than the day-to-day of me, I get it done with no sympathy for my own discomfort.

When I am standing in the center of the fire, there are moments of fear and discomfort to be certain. But there is also a gladness that comes with the certainty that this means I am alive and growing.

When all else falls away, what sustains me is the knowledge that I have made it this far and the belief that I will make it as far again down the road ahead. At that moment I may hate my life and feel worthless, but I still cling to the belief that I am capable of more.

On the Lighter Side

I tend to focus on serious topics on my blog because...well, because there are plenty of people out there that do a much better job at the fun stuff! :D

But today I ran across this video over at Sexual Deviants Living in a Web 2.0 World (inside nerd joke, don't worry if you don't get it) and just had to share it. I ended up on John's blog by because I was checking out FetLife. My take on FetLife is that it is an attempt to combine Facebook with CollarMe and create the ultimate social site for those with alternative sexual tastes. I wish John the best of luck in this endeavor.

Now for the fun:

2008 - The Year Ahead

I tend to avoid making New Year's Resolutions for many reasons, but I usually use the end of the solar calendar year to review my progress on my goals for the previous year and set new ones for the coming year.

First, the review of 2007:

• Triathlon related goals - I completed a Half Ironman length triathlon as planned, but didn't meet my placement related goals on my shorter triathlon or my goal to complete three triathlons.
• Business related goals - I made some progress on starting up my own business (mostly research and planning related), but didn't get anywhere close to achieving my ambitious goals (x number of customers, product launches, etc.).
• Financial goals - My financial situation improved greatly over the course of 2007, but I didn't pay off all my credit cards (largest goal). I did start seriously investing in stocks and have learned a tremendous amount already.
• Others - I didn't take singing lessons (really? wonder why I wanted to do that...), learn any new languages (aimed for French, Hebrew and Mandarin...did learn some travel Vietnamese), take my Japanese to a higher level, or get back into martial arts.

And the goals for 2008:

• Complete an Ironman triathlon. Improve my time on the Black Diamond Half Ironman Triathlon by one hour.
• Improve hand balancing skills (hold 30 sec handstand, straddle planche, straddle lever, etc.)
  
• Move into the top third on a shorter length triathlon (sprint or olympic).
• Take dancing lessons (salsa?).
• Take saxophone lessons.
• Launch first product and gain a few customers.
• More deeply explore D/s and poly relationships (e.g. find a play partner for me and Jezebel).
• Improve my rope bondage skills.
• Improve my snowboarding skills (black diamond?).
• Pay off two of my credit cards.
• Fully fund my Roth IRA.
• Post at least once a month to my blog.
• Post at least once a month to TSR.
• Get involved with the local BDSM community (at least meet and greet).
• Attend Kinkfest.

Wow, that list ended up longer than I thought it would. I will probably come back and edit/add to it over the next week or two as I have a chance.

Here's to an amazing 2008!