The "Other" Woman

Tonight was my first experience being with another woman (Nekko-chan) in the context of an open relationship while tightly bound to someone I love. It was an interesting experience. I found that most of the time I was able to give my full attention to this woman. There were a few moments where I found myself wistfully thinking of my Jezebel; wondering if she was doing ok emotionally, knowing I was with another woman, and wishing she was near. I did not have sex with this new woman due to a desire to wait and make sure her STD results come out clean, but we did make out for a couple of hours. In the course of doing so, I discovered that she has a high pain tolerance. This of course arouses my curiosity of exactly how far I can push her until she cries out in pain. No, it is more of a drive or need than a curiosity. I crave to make her cry out. Of course part of my brain worries that her tolerance may be so high that she may not cry out until I have done her some serious harm...

After Nekko-chan left, some doubts crept into my head about whether this whole thing is actually 'ok' or not. I am certain a great deal of this is due to societal norms still bouncing around in my head, while part of it is due to specific early relationship experiences of mine. In any case, I am looking forward to talking through this experience with my Jezebel on our long drive this weekend. It is always fun to process these things with her.

On a side note, Nekko-chan texted me and let me know that the marks I left on her turned her husband on and that he is eager to meet me! :D

Not About Kinkfest 2008

I planned to post about my experiences at Kinkfest 2008, but a chance encounter led me to a poem, which led me to write how the following poem encompasses my life. I guess the KF roundup will have to wait a week or two. :)

First, the poem:

Following By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, a Native American Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living,
I want to know what you ache for and
if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are,
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring with your moon,
I want to know if you have TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN SORROW
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from the fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own, if you can
DANCE WITH WILDNESS and let the ecstasy fill you to
the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty everyday.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief
and despair, weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire
with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or with whom or what you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

It isn't poetry, but this is my attempt to describe my life in the context of each of the above stanzas:

I dare to dream and act upon the dreams of my heart's longing. Of late I have been most successful in achieving these things in my personal life, but I refuse to give up on making my profession one that fulfills and excites me.

I risk looking like a fool for love, my dreams, and the adventure of being alive. The best moment of the past year was when, after three days, I told the girl I love that I love her, despite being afraid of scaring her off.

I have fallen into depths of sorrow and stand strong and proud upon those painful experiences. In the last six years I lost my mother weeks before I was planning on visiting her and lost a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Both of these were painful, but increased my determination to live and love every minute of life to the fullest that I am capable of.

I once was incapable of seeing pain and not trying to hide from it or fix it. Now I fix it when I can and hold the pain close when I cannot.

I am still a bit of an introvert at times and do not always heed the call to dance with wild abandon, but always love it when I do. I find that pushing myself physically is one of the best ways I can experience this ecstasy.

As I hid from pain, I also hid my inadequacies and failings. Now I bring them to light as quickly as I recognize them, for how can someone know and love me without the whole truth of what I am.

I love finding hidden beauty in the mundane and even the grotesque.

YES! Feeling and embracing the pain of failure makes me feel alive. How would I know the true sweetness of my successes and good times if it weren't for the valleys?

I do what needs to be done with ruthless determination. When something must be done that asks more than the day-to-day of me, I get it done with no sympathy for my own discomfort.

When I am standing in the center of the fire, there are moments of fear and discomfort to be certain. But there is also a gladness that comes with the certainty that this means I am alive and growing.

When all else falls away, what sustains me is the knowledge that I have made it this far and the belief that I will make it as far again down the road ahead. At that moment I may hate my life and feel worthless, but I still cling to the belief that I am capable of more.