Disappointment

How does an owner deal with disappointment?

Tonight my dearest mouse disappointed me by not living up to an expectation that she planted in my head. As an equal partner my responsibility would be to speak my mind, let her know how I feel. As an owner, my duty to myself and to her is the same. But here I am writing my thoughts before I speak them because of a desire to set down the dilemma in my mind before I unravel it.

So, how does one who can command anything deal with a let down? The simple answer is that I give her the command to fulfill my expectation. But my heart pulls at me. Why should I have to command this?

No Master is God, a god, or even a superior being. But the similarity between this dilemma and the Christian idea that perhaps God gave us free will so that we could love him is striking.

My head and heart are too fully enmeshed in the moment to provide me with a clear answer, but I will seek it out.

Freedom

Strangely enough I have been a prisoner of my own mind for the past few weeks. A great darkness came and swallowed the part of me that makes me whole. And without this center of my being to hold me fast and guide me, the world was a very dark place indeed. All my strengths seemed useless, my flaws insurmountable, and the small barbs we must all fend off each day cut at me relentlessly.

To name something is to have power over it. So I call this darkness for what it is: depression. Yes, even Masters can suffer from this illness.

I don't know how I got to that dark place and now that I am nearly free of it, I can't say I know how I escaped. But my mind feels close to whole again. The dichotomies that are part of me have been restored: calm and wild, kind and vicious, carefully thoughtful and spontaneous. In the dark place these were all muted and I spoke and acted with the voice of one half-dead.

Thank you to those who love me and reached out to me with kindness. And especially to you my darling pet, my mouse, my Jezebel, my love.

Late Night Musings

I should be asleep preparing for another week. Resting my body for the physical challenges I will throw at it and my mind for monotonous work, creative activity, and friendly exchanges. Instead I am nursing a jostled stomach and catching up on computer chores.

I found myself frustrated earlier tonight. A strong sadistic wave swept over me, but I felt the need to hold back from hurting my Jezebel (in the non-permanently damaging way of course) because she was sleepy and her masochism is waning strongly. At this point she seems to enjoy a bit of pain play as part of sex, but overall it is quite limited.

Not that I need my girl to enjoy the pain (in fact my sadism is best satisfied by pushing past that point), but I do want it to be something we both enjoy (even if her enjoyment comes after the fact). So now not only do I need a girlfriend for platonic fun, cuddling, conversation, and great sex, but it appears I also need to find myself a masochist. And this realization comes just days after deciding that I should hold off on finding a girlfriend and use it as a reward for myself for accomplishing some personal goals.

I suppose the smart thing to do would be to divide the reward in two. I will find myself a part time masochist when I finish the first draft of the product specifications. And I will find myself a girlfriend when I finish a working beta for the product.