I should be asleep preparing for another week. Resting my body for the physical challenges I will throw at it and my mind for monotonous work, creative activity, and friendly exchanges. Instead I am nursing a jostled stomach and catching up on computer chores.
I found myself frustrated earlier tonight. A strong sadistic wave swept over me, but I felt the need to hold back from hurting my Jezebel (in the non-permanently damaging way of course) because she was sleepy and her masochism is waning strongly. At this point she seems to enjoy a bit of pain play as part of sex, but overall it is quite limited.
Not that I need my girl to enjoy the pain (in fact my sadism is best satisfied by pushing past that point), but I do want it to be something we both enjoy (even if her enjoyment comes after the fact). So now not only do I need a girlfriend for platonic fun, cuddling, conversation, and great sex, but it appears I also need to find myself a masochist. And this realization comes just days after deciding that I should hold off on finding a girlfriend and use it as a reward for myself for accomplishing some personal goals.
I suppose the smart thing to do would be to divide the reward in two. I will find myself a part time masochist when I finish the first draft of the product specifications. And I will find myself a girlfriend when I finish a working beta for the product.
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Wonder as I hardly look for knowing you do not often write here, how it is I knew that something was amiss.
I try to do my best for you, knowing that I cannot fulfill your every want and need is something I grasp, but find disconcerting in my heart/mind.
I must and will help you when you are ready to find the others for yourself my dear. - Jezebel
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