Falling

Not falling down. Not falling apart. Just falling. Tumbling. I'm following Alice down the white rabbit's tunnel, head over heels.

I reach out for the the familiar, strong roots to grab onto, but one by one they crumble to sand between my fingers and my fall continues.

Career. Relationships. Time. All changing.

Like Alice I am resigned to fall, bewildered, wondering where this rabbit hole will take me.

Master's Jewels

No, not those jewels! Get your mind out of the gutter.

I sometimes like to think of myself as a king. Not of a country or other men as a people, but of those people and things that belong to me. And as a king I have a shining platinum crown studded with jewels.

Now most of these are small and precious, embedded all around the crown. They represent the small accomplishments and things in my life for which I am grateful.

But set high and center is a large jewel of remarkable splendor. It represents my darling Jezebel.  Although I might buff or polish this jewel from time to time, the radiant glow from within is a natural property. One need merely to avoid putting cracks in the surface through mishap or carelessness and the light will shine for all to enjoy.

This splendid crown piece may not be the only jewel to ever rest up high.  With time others may take their place beside her. But it is one I am proud to call mine today and for all time. And I am blessed to have this time to enjoy its light.

Too Dependent?

This week I spent a scant few hours with my girl and we slept only two nights next to each other sharing the same sleepy air. And I noticed within myself a pain that wasn't there in this situation past. Before we lived together, I would miss my girl fiercely the times we were within driving distance, but apart this much. But I never felt the cold, painful loneliness I felt this week. Granted that we were apart for a week in November, but being a plane ride away doesn't seem to trigger these feelings for some reason...perhaps the knowledge that she is close, but out of reach is the heart of the issue.

And what is this feeling? Is it jealousy? Perhaps that is part of it.

But I suspect it is also a case of internal overindulgence. It seems that since we moved in together I have become more and more dependent on her emotional and physical closeness. This is a slippery slope towards dangerous ground. For if I am not able to have a firm grasp on my own internal independence, how can I be the one who guides and leads us?

Luckily I am catching this problem early enough to nip it in the bud. No my darling girl, this doesn't mean you will get less attention or affection from me. It just means that your Owner, King, and Captain must remain vigilante at the helm of his ship. For if I am caught up in the tempest of emotional turmoil, who will man the wheel? So with that, I will steady myself, steel my will, and be true to my own.

2009 - The Year Ahead

Hmmm, strange, I could swear I was just sitting down to write a post like this about the year 2008.  Hard to believe a year has past already.

The most significant changes are that I moved Jezebel into an apartment with me and that we are both pursuing outside relationships more seriously now.  These have both been positive changes, but have also come with serious challenges.

A quick review of 2008:

• Triathlon Goals - My cousin's wedding was the same weekend of the triathlon, and I didn't schedule a substitute or significantly improve my time on another race.
• Improve hand balancing skills - I made great progress on all gymnastics endeavors, although I still have a long way to go.
• Take dancing lessons (salsa?) - Nope.
• Take saxophone lessons - Nope.
• Launch first product and gain a few customers - Developed two additional product ideas, but haven't launched any of them.
  
• More deeply explore D/s and poly relationships - D/s is still part of our relationship, and it continues to evolve over time.  J and I both have had great poly experiences including a fantastic foray into MMF sex.
  
• Improve my rope bondage skills - Yes!  I now have a complete rope kit and enough knowledge and skill to do simple suspensions.
  
• Improve my snowboarding skills - Yes.  I love snowboarding and continue to improve.
  
• Pay off two of my credit cards - Sigh.  No.  I am financially better off than last year, but still have a long way to go.
  
• Fully fund my Roth IRA - Yes!
  
• Post at least once a month to my blog - Managed 10 in 12 months, so not quite there.
  
• Post at least once a month to TSR - I don't really use TSR anymore and instead make sporadic updates on Fetlife.
  
• Get involved with the local BDSM community - Ha ha, yes!  Know a number of people at the Center and have played there a number of times.
  
• Attend Kinkfest - Yes.  It was fun and made attending events at the Center easier.
  

And the goals for 2009:

• Find and complete a Half Ironman Triathlon.  Run time should be under two hours and swim and bike times should be comparable to Black Diamond.
• Improve hand balancing skills (hold 30 sec handstand, straddle planche, straddle lever, etc.)
  
• Move into the top third on a shorter length triathlon (sprint or olympic).
• Add ten pounds of muscle (full squat 165, etc.)
• Launch first product and gain a few customers.
• Improve my rope bondage skills (creative improvisation).
• Improve my snowboarding skills (black diamond?).
• Pay off two of my credit cards.
• Fully fund my Roth IRA.
• Post at least once a month to my blog.
• Four overnight backpacking trips.
• Keep investing club at work going.
• Develop spiritual and meditational skills.
• Create or nuture one personal or professional relationship each month.
• Love well and laugh often.

I like this list.  It is well balanced, achievable, meaningful, and not too long!