Master Robert's Journal

Falling

2009-10-01T11:05:00.001-07:00

Not falling down. Not falling apart. Just falling. Tumbling. I'm following Alice down the white rabbit's tunnel, head over heels.

I reach out for the the familiar, strong roots to grab onto, but one by one they crumble to sand between my fingers and my fall continues.

Career. Relationships. Time. All changing.

Like Alice I am resigned to fall, bewildered, wondering where this rabbit hole will take me.

Master's Jewels

2009-01-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

No, not those jewels! Get your mind out of the gutter.

I sometimes like to think of myself as a king. Not of a country or other men as a people, but of those people and things that belong to me. And as a king I have a shining platinum crown studded with jewels.

Now most of these are small and precious, embedded all around the crown. They represent the small accomplishments and things in my life for which I am grateful.

But set high and center is a large jewel of remarkable splendor. It represents my darling Jezebel. Although I might buff or polish this jewel from time to time, the radiant glow from within is a natural property. One need merely to avoid putting cracks in the surface through mishap or carelessness and the light will shine for all to enjoy.

This splendid crown piece may not be the only jewel to ever rest up high. With time others may take their place beside her. But it is one I am proud to call mine today and for all time. And I am blessed to have this time to enjoy its light.

Too Dependent?

2009-01-11T17:19:00.001-08:00

This week I spent a scant few hours with my girl and we slept only two nights next to each other sharing the same sleepy air. And I noticed within myself a pain that wasn't there in this situation past. Before we lived together, I would miss my girl fiercely the times we were within driving distance, but apart this much. But I never felt the cold, painful loneliness I felt this week. Granted that we were apart for a week in November, but being a plane ride away doesn't seem to trigger these feelings for some reason...perhaps the knowledge that she is close, but out of reach is the heart of the issue.

And what is this feeling? Is it jealousy? Perhaps that is part of it.

But I suspect it is also a case of internal overindulgence. It seems that since we moved in together I have become more and more dependent on her emotional and physical closeness. This is a slippery slope towards dangerous ground. For if I am not able to have a firm grasp on my own internal independence, how can I be the one who guides and leads us?

Luckily I am catching this problem early enough to nip it in the bud. No my darling girl, this doesn't mean you will get less attention or affection from me. It just means that your Owner, King, and Captain must remain vigilante at the helm of his ship. For if I am caught up in the tempest of emotional turmoil, who will man the wheel? So with that, I will steady myself, steel my will, and be true to my own.

2009 - The Year Ahead

2009-01-01T21:14:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, strange, I could swear I was just sitting down to write a post like this about the year 2008. Hard to believe a year has past already.

The most significant changes are that I moved Jezebel into an apartment with me and that we are both pursuing outside relationships more seriously now. These have both been positive changes, but have also come with serious challenges.

A quick review of 2008:

Triathlon Goals - My cousin's wedding was the same weekend of the triathlon, and I didn't schedule a substitute or significantly improve my time on another race.
Improve hand balancing skills - I made great progress on all gymnastics endeavors, although I still have a long way to go.
Take dancing lessons (salsa?) - Nope.
Take saxophone lessons - Nope.
Launch first product and gain a few customers - Developed two additional product ideas, but haven't launched any of them.
More deeply explore D/s and poly relationships - D/s is still part of our relationship, and it continues to evolve over time. J and I both have had great poly experiences including a fantastic foray into MMF sex.
Improve my rope bondage skills - Yes! I now have a complete rope kit and enough knowledge and skill to do simple suspensions.
Improve my snowboarding skills - Yes. I love snowboarding and continue to improve.
Pay off two of my credit cards - Sigh. No. I am financially better off than last year, but still have a long way to go.
Fully fund my Roth IRA - Yes!
Post at least once a month to my blog - Managed 10 in 12 months, so not quite there.
Post at least once a month to TSR - I don't really use TSR anymore and instead make sporadic updates on Fetlife.
Get involved with the local BDSM community - Ha ha, yes! Know a number of people at the Center and have played there a number of times.
Attend Kinkfest - Yes. It was fun and made attending events at the Center easier.

And the goals for 2009:

Find and complete a Half Ironman Triathlon. Run time should be under two hours and swim and bike times should be comparable to Black Diamond.
Improve hand balancing skills (hold 30 sec handstand, straddle planche, straddle lever, etc.)
Move into the top third on a shorter length triathlon (sprint or olympic).
Add ten pounds of muscle (full squat 165, etc.)
Launch first product and gain a few customers.
Improve my rope bondage skills (creative improvisation).
Improve my snowboarding skills (black diamond?).
Pay off two of my credit cards.
Fully fund my Roth IRA.
Post at least once a month to my blog.
Four overnight backpacking trips.
Keep investing club at work going.
Develop spiritual and meditational skills.
Create or nuture one personal or professional relationship each month.
Love well and laugh often.

I like this list. It is well balanced, achievable, meaningful, and not too long!

Disappointment

2008-10-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

How does an owner deal with disappointment?

Tonight my dearest mouse disappointed me by not living up to an expectation that she planted in my head. As an equal partner my responsibility would be to speak my mind, let her know how I feel. As an owner, my duty to myself and to her is the same. But here I am writing my thoughts before I speak them because of a desire to set down the dilemma in my mind before I unravel it.

So, how does one who can command anything deal with a let down? The simple answer is that I give her the command to fulfill my expectation. But my heart pulls at me. Why should I have to command this?

No Master is God, a god, or even a superior being. But the similarity between this dilemma and the Christian idea that perhaps God gave us free will so that we could love him is striking.

My head and heart are too fully enmeshed in the moment to provide me with a clear answer, but I will seek it out.

Freedom

2008-10-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

Strangely enough I have been a prisoner of my own mind for the past few weeks. A great darkness came and swallowed the part of me that makes me whole. And without this center of my being to hold me fast and guide me, the world was a very dark place indeed. All my strengths seemed useless, my flaws insurmountable, and the small barbs we must all fend off each day cut at me relentlessly.

To name something is to have power over it. So I call this darkness for what it is: depression. Yes, even Masters can suffer from this illness.

I don't know how I got to that dark place and now that I am nearly free of it, I can't say I know how I escaped. But my mind feels close to whole again. The dichotomies that are part of me have been restored: calm and wild, kind and vicious, carefully thoughtful and spontaneous. In the dark place these were all muted and I spoke and acted with the voice of one half-dead.

Thank you to those who love me and reached out to me with kindness. And especially to you my darling pet, my mouse, my Jezebel, my love.

Late Night Musings

2008-10-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

I should be asleep preparing for another week. Resting my body for the physical challenges I will throw at it and my mind for monotonous work, creative activity, and friendly exchanges. Instead I am nursing a jostled stomach and catching up on computer chores.

I found myself frustrated earlier tonight. A strong sadistic wave swept over me, but I felt the need to hold back from hurting my Jezebel (in the non-permanently damaging way of course) because she was sleepy and her masochism is waning strongly. At this point she seems to enjoy a bit of pain play as part of sex, but overall it is quite limited.

Not that I need my girl to enjoy the pain (in fact my sadism is best satisfied by pushing past that point), but I do want it to be something we both enjoy (even if her enjoyment comes after the fact). So now not only do I need a girlfriend for platonic fun, cuddling, conversation, and great sex, but it appears I also need to find myself a masochist. And this realization comes just days after deciding that I should hold off on finding a girlfriend and use it as a reward for myself for accomplishing some personal goals.

I suppose the smart thing to do would be to divide the reward in two. I will find myself a part time masochist when I finish the first draft of the product specifications. And I will find myself a girlfriend when I finish a working beta for the product.

A Description of our Relationship in My Own Words

2008-08-31T23:50:00.001-07:00

I sent the following to a friend who asked me to describe how our relationship works while avoiding M/s terminology. The "She" in this case is my Jezebel, my mouse.

First, you must understand that our relationship started with Recognition. What I believe to be an acknowledgment by our physical selves of the fact that our souls were already intertwined before we met. We found friendship, trust, and love before we discovered that we shared complimentary desires in relationship structure.

The foundation of our relationship is love, trust, openness, communication, and honesty. Without these things, what we do would not be possible.

The framework we constructed on this foundation is based on the mutual understanding that I am the final arbitrator within our relationship. Along with this, I also bear ultimate responsibility for both of our actions and well-being. This allows me a great deal of freedom in planning for our lives, but can also be difficult work. If I am not happy with the way something turns out, I cannot assign blame to her. An unsatisfactory outcome may be the direct result of her action (or inaction), but ultimately I am the one who allowed the action to begin with. I choose not to micro-manage or impose unnecessary restrictions on her because it doesn't suit either of us.

The skin that wraps this whole thing up and is what most people see is a playful and loving relationship between two intense but goofy people. This is a comfortable place for both of us to spend the majority of our time. Because we are both comfortable with the framework and foundation being sound and intact, we do not feel the need to actively demonstrate to ourselves or others that it exists and is sound. Instead we can play freely with the knowledge that when it comes down to it, I Say and She Obeys.

From Where I Stand

2008-08-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

From where I stand my world looks pretty good right now. Jezebel and I have moved in together and are enjoying being together much more frequently now. We are starting to build some nice routines and also are finding more time to branch out and meet new people. C. recently came back into Jezebel's life. I am happy for her since I know she had quite a crush on C. Jezebel also managed to meet two new Js, one for a physical relationship and one as a rope top. They are both interesting men and we are looking forward to getting to know each better. I have been in contact with L. through Craigslist. She is cute and seems to have a fun personality. If there is good chemistry when we meet in real life, then the three of us plan to play together.

So the cup runneth over in the realm of intimate relationships. I do miss just hanging out with B. We had good times together, just drinking and talking the nights away. I would like to find a new friend like that now that B. has moved on.

As our life together solidifies into something more and more real and my experience with M/s deepens, I also find my thoughts turning more towards the future and the search for our third. I know she is out there somewhere, but I cannot guess when she will materialize. One year, three, ten? Only time will tell.

The "Other" Woman

2008-04-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my first experience being with another woman (Nekko-chan) in the context of an open relationship while tightly bound to someone I love. It was an interesting experience. I found that most of the time I was able to give my full attention to this woman. There were a few moments where I found myself wistfully thinking of my Jezebel; wondering if she was doing ok emotionally, knowing I was with another woman, and wishing she was near. I did not have sex with this new woman due to a desire to wait and make sure her STD results come out clean, but we did make out for a couple of hours. In the course of doing so, I discovered that she has a high pain tolerance. This of course arouses my curiosity of exactly how far I can push her until she cries out in pain. No, it is more of a drive or need than a curiosity. I crave to make her cry out. Of course part of my brain worries that her tolerance may be so high that she may not cry out until I have done her some serious harm...

After Nekko-chan left, some doubts crept into my head about whether this whole thing is actually 'ok' or not. I am certain a great deal of this is due to societal norms still bouncing around in my head, while part of it is due to specific early relationship experiences of mine. In any case, I am looking forward to talking through this experience with my Jezebel on our long drive this weekend. It is always fun to process these things with her.

On a side note, Nekko-chan texted me and let me know that the marks I left on her turned her husband on and that he is eager to meet me! :D

Not About Kinkfest 2008

2008-04-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

I planned to post about my experiences at Kinkfest 2008, but a chance encounter led me to a poem, which led me to write how the following poem encompasses my life. I guess the KF roundup will have to wait a week or two. :)

First, the poem:

Following By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, a Native American Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living,
I want to know what you ache for and
if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are,
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring with your moon,
I want to know if you have TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN SORROW
if you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from the fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own, if you can
DANCE WITH WILDNESS and let the ecstasy fill you to
the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can see beauty,
even when it is not pretty everyday.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief
and despair, weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are,
how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire
with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or with whom or what you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

It isn't poetry, but this is my attempt to describe my life in the context of each of the above stanzas:

I dare to dream and act upon the dreams of my heart's longing. Of late I have been most successful in achieving these things in my personal life, but I refuse to give up on making my profession one that fulfills and excites me.

I risk looking like a fool for love, my dreams, and the adventure of being alive. The best moment of the past year was when, after three days, I told the girl I love that I love her, despite being afraid of scaring her off.

I have fallen into depths of sorrow and stand strong and proud upon those painful experiences. In the last six years I lost my mother weeks before I was planning on visiting her and lost a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Both of these were painful, but increased my determination to live and love every minute of life to the fullest that I am capable of.

I once was incapable of seeing pain and not trying to hide from it or fix it. Now I fix it when I can and hold the pain close when I cannot.

I am still a bit of an introvert at times and do not always heed the call to dance with wild abandon, but always love it when I do. I find that pushing myself physically is one of the best ways I can experience this ecstasy.

As I hid from pain, I also hid my inadequacies and failings. Now I bring them to light as quickly as I recognize them, for how can someone know and love me without the whole truth of what I am.

I love finding hidden beauty in the mundane and even the grotesque.

YES! Feeling and embracing the pain of failure makes me feel alive. How would I know the true sweetness of my successes and good times if it weren't for the valleys?

I do what needs to be done with ruthless determination. When something must be done that asks more than the day-to-day of me, I get it done with no sympathy for my own discomfort.

When I am standing in the center of the fire, there are moments of fear and discomfort to be certain. But there is also a gladness that comes with the certainty that this means I am alive and growing.

When all else falls away, what sustains me is the knowledge that I have made it this far and the belief that I will make it as far again down the road ahead. At that moment I may hate my life and feel worthless, but I still cling to the belief that I am capable of more.

On the Lighter Side

2008-03-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

I tend to focus on serious topics on my blog because...well, because there are plenty of people out there that do a much better job at the fun stuff! :D

But today I ran across this video over at Sexual Deviants Living in a Web 2.0 World (inside nerd joke, don't worry if you don't get it) and just had to share it. I ended up on John's blog by because I was checking out FetLife. My take on FetLife is that it is an attempt to combine Facebook with CollarMe and create the ultimate social site for those with alternative sexual tastes. I wish John the best of luck in this endeavor.

Now for the fun:

2008 - The Year Ahead

2008-01-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

I tend to avoid making New Year's Resolutions for many reasons, but I usually use the end of the solar calendar year to review my progress on my goals for the previous year and set new ones for the coming year.

First, the review of 2007:

Triathlon related goals - I completed a Half Ironman length triathlon as planned, but didn't meet my placement related goals on my shorter triathlon or my goal to complete three triathlons.
Business related goals - I made some progress on starting up my own business (mostly research and planning related), but didn't get anywhere close to achieving my ambitious goals (x number of customers, product launches, etc.).
Financial goals - My financial situation improved greatly over the course of 2007, but I didn't pay off all my credit cards (largest goal). I did start seriously investing in stocks and have learned a tremendous amount already.
Others - I didn't take singing lessons (really? wonder why I wanted to do that...), learn any new languages (aimed for French, Hebrew and Mandarin...did learn some travel Vietnamese), take my Japanese to a higher level, or get back into martial arts.

And the goals for 2008:

~~Complete an Ironman triathlon.~~ Improve my time on the Black Diamond Half Ironman Triathlon by one hour.
Improve hand balancing skills (hold 30 sec handstand, straddle planche, straddle lever, etc.)
Move into the top third on a shorter length triathlon (sprint or olympic).
Take dancing lessons (salsa?).
Take saxophone lessons.
Launch first product and gain a few customers.
More deeply explore D/s and poly relationships (e.g. find a play partner for me and Jezebel).
Improve my rope bondage skills.
Improve my snowboarding skills (black diamond?).
Pay off two of my credit cards.
Fully fund my Roth IRA.
Post at least once a month to my blog.
Post at least once a month to TSR.
Get involved with the local BDSM community (at least meet and greet).
Attend Kinkfest.

Wow, that list ended up longer than I thought it would. I will probably come back and edit/add to it over the next week or two as I have a chance.

Here's to an amazing 2008!

Perfectionism and Leniency

2007-10-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Enter Jezebel, stage right. She was supposed to be a lifelong lover and friend. Someone to share with, someone who would always be there. We formed an instant bond. And then my intuition turned out to be dead on once again. I shared my Dominance with her and she turned out to be more than just a lover and friend; she proved capable of submitting fully to me.

The last two months have been wonderful. I have enjoyed every moment together with my Jezebel, whether just lounging around watching SciFi DVDs together, putting her to work in various ways, or playing with rope for both our amusement. She has rarely failed to complete a task as instructed and we seem to know each other so well that she has excelled in serving me. And I am loath to punish her for minor mistakes or push her too hard because I know how hard she tries to please me.

And yet, despite all of this, I have nagging thoughts that I am far too lenient with her. That perhaps one day she will decide that the bond that holds her is loose indeed and just slip away. Of course such an event would be swiftly remedied, but I prefer a gradual guided approach to nurturing submission over a swift and brutal singular lesson.

I suppose it is the perfectionist in me crying out: Can things really be going this smoothly? Am I being too lenient with my Jezebel? What do I need to do to ensure that she is kept in place; a cherished object, obedient to my will? The answer is simple of course. I must stay alert to the little things and my own intuition. And I must continue to probe and pry at her mind and heart. I must be watchful for things she says or does that suggest she needs a firmer hand.

Above all, I must continue to care for and cherish my Jezebel so that she knows she is owned and with ownership comes service and obedience, safety and love.

Now What?

2007-07-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

I am in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment with my D/s relationships. I ended my relationship with my ferret sub a while back. I think that, despite having chemistry and sharing some interests, we were not well matched for a relationship. One problem area in particular was the degree of D/s we are each looking for. I am looking for a sub to train to become a 24/7 slave while I think she was looking for something much more casual as far as power exchange goes.

So for now I am enjoying the free time that being completely single makes possible and am trying to get as many of the loose ends in my life tied up before I start seriously looking for new sub candidates.

My Fantasy

2007-07-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

Since I realized and accepted my Dominant side, I have had a recurring fantasy. The fantasy involves owning a big enough house and land to be mostly self-supporting (food, energy, and work/entertainment) for a poly family. In this fantasy, I would own two female slaves and a male slave. Since I don't have sexual feelings for men, the female slaves would be service and sex slaves, while the male would be service only. I would of course still control his access to sexual satisfaction. Perhaps he would have an unowned (or owned) live-in partner? Or maybe I would just allow him to meet outside partners as I see fit. This description sounds very mechanical, but in my fantasy we would all be very close to one another and love each other and what we each bring to the 'family'.

Ok, so that is the fantasy. Back to reality now. I have never been involved with any kind of poly relationship. I have always felt jealous about the idea of sharing those I have been involved with in the past, whether vanilla or D/s and have only been in monogamous relationships so far. But I can say that I have had love in my heart for more than one person at the same time...I just never acted on it. I am nearly done reading The Ethical Slut and so far have found it helpful in gaining new perspectives on the variety of relationships and the nature of jealousy. It is a good starting point for those, like me, who are new to non-monogamous relationships. I also started a thread over on CollarMe on this subject to get feedback from people more experienced with poly.

I am still unsure if this fantasy is something that will become reality for me and even if it does, I imagine it will take many years before everything is in place for it to really work. For now my focus is on developing a strong Master/slave relationship with one person. Of course she will know about this fantasy of mine up front and that I may make it real.

The Master is a slave

2007-06-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ridiculous you say! Blasphemy against Masters and by extension their slaves? But before you judge, let me try to explain the feelings behind this statement.

The times in my life that I have been alone, without a lover, girlfriend, wife, or slave, I have always been motivated by my inner life goals, or what Paulo Coelho terms my personal legend. And although this felt right and fulfilling, it never felt complete. I always felt that there were parts of me that had to remain hidden from my family, friends, and the world. Even with a (non-slave) 'significant other' to confide in I was never able to share all of myself because I 'knew' some of the things I thought and felt were wrong because that was the general consensus in the world around me.

So what does this have to do with Masters being slaves? Although this is something I have been mulling over for a while, Raven Kaldera gave words to the idea in a TSR post describing how he is "not a slave to [his] own dominance" in the context of describing his interactions with the rest of the world. But later in the post he admits that he would choose Mastery above all else if forced to choose. I also feel this way and so in a sense, I am a slave to my dominance. But if that is the root of the Master is a slave concept, there is also a trunk, branches, and leaves.

The trunk is the way that I feel free to expose myself to my slave like no other in this world. I represent myself to the world as being one who doesn't care what others think, but I know that I censor myself to varying degrees when interacting with others. But with a slave, my darkest desires can be voiced, or if I wish made reality. And although I want my slaves to view me as having a certain air of infallibility (while still knowing that I am human and frail like all who have come before), ultimately my failures do not matter to my slave. They are there to serve and worship me both when I stand tall and when I crawl. In this way my slave holds a special place and power in my life that no others in the world do.

The branches grow strong when I relinquish control over aspects of my life by allowing my slave the privilege of serving me in some capacity. I do not easily allow others to serve me unless I have paid for a service, but this is different than service rendered by someone close to me. Allowing my slave to learn how I like my laundry folded or my dishes washed and put away allows her more deeply into my life and consciousness. These branches of accepting service represent another way in which my slave intertwines her life with mine and in doing so makes me aware of my slavery to my dominance.

And what of the leaves? The leaves of this tree of Mastery and slavehood are the ways in which I care for my slave. For although fulfillment of my desires is the raison d'être for my slave, when someone submits themselves completely to me, it brings out strong nurturing feelings in me. I may not give my slave the things she asks for or demands (if she is so impertinent to do so), but I am prepared to utilize all of the facilities at my disposal to ensure that my slave has the things she needs. And beyond her true needs (which are likely few indeed), I like to pamper my slave at times with things I imagine (rightly or wrongly - it is my imagination after all) she will enjoy, from orgasms and gentle caresses to kind words, from material indulgences to exposure to new experiences and ideas. The leaves are another way in which, through my slavery to my Dominance, I am indeed a slave after all. No, not to another person, but to a part of myself.

I can't claim that these views are universal among Masters, and I have clearly taken liberties with the definition of mastery and slavehood to make this argument. A well crafted response to this essay would likely reduce it to no more than a description of the aspects of ownership that motivate and fulfill me. However I think that with the right perspective it may offer Masters a different way to view their relationship with their inner selves and their slaves. If I am very lucky, it may present everyone else an alternative glimpse into the heads of those who call themselves Masters.

The Training of a Sub

2007-04-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

I find myself in an interesting predicament.

I am in contact with one sub who lives far away and is of unknown compatibility. As such I have decided not to pursue a "real life" D/s relationship with her. But she requested help with managing her exercise and diet. And I agreed, although I have serious doubts about how genuine online D/s can be. I am willing to give it a try. I have gathered enough information from her that I believe I will be able to provide sufficient positive and negative reinforcement. It will be very interesting to see the role of reactance in this situation.

The other half of my predicament (well, perhaps another third, but it is too soon to say yet) is with a submissive vanilla girl who I will call my ferret. In an attempt to ascertain if I could go back to vanilla relationships, I went on a date with what I thought was a completely vanilla girl. But it turns out she is submissive, at least by the vanilla dictionary definition. As soon as I realized this, I decided to put all my cards on the table. I have told her what I am looking for (total obedience from a sub), but I don't think she fully understands or is ready to submit to me. She is very defiant and stubborn so far, but there are signs that I may be able to bring out and nurture her submissive side to the point where she could submit to me completely. This would be very nice for me since I like her, but cannot see myself going back to vanilla relationships at this point. I started a new discussion on TSR on this topic with the hope of learning from the experiences of others who have been in this situation before.

It is nice to have more opportunities to learn and develop, but also a bit overwhelming right now. One more month until I am done with school and will be able to devote more time to my other interests.

My First Rope

2007-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

My rope finally arrived from Twisted Monk. Actually, it arrived several weeks ago, but I had it shipped to the post office under general delivery for discretion and never received a shipping notification, so I didn't bother to check if it had arrived until today. Now I just need to find someone to play with.

15' of 6mm "Sex and Violet" Hemp Rope - Beautiful Isn't It?

As a "starter set" I ordered 8 meters of 6mm "Authentic Shibari," 30 feet of 6mm "exotic Japanese Jute," and 15 feet of 6mm "Sex and Violet." This should be enough for several different combination ties (e.g. chest harness + wrist cuffs).

The Teacup

2007-04-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

I found this today on Goddess Lillith's blog and it resonated with me.

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, “May we see that one? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”

As the Man handed it to them, the tea cup spoke. “You don’t understand,” it said, “I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay.

My Master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘Don’t do that. I don’t like it! Let me alone,’ but He only smiled, and gently said, ‘Not yet!’

“Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. ‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick!’, I screamed. But the Master only nodded and said, quietly, ‘Not yet.’

“He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then….then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. ‘Help! Get me out of here!’ I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet.’

“When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better,’ I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please; stop it, stop it!!’ I cried. He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, What’s he going to do to me next?

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself”. And I did. I said, ‘”That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!”

Quietly he spoke: “I want you to remember, then,” he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you would not have survived for long because the hardness would not have held.

Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.”

He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill us.

Thoughts on the Loss of a Sub

2007-04-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

My bunny took me by surprise this week. She sent me an email ending our relationship. This was particularly unexpected because up until that point I saw no signs of her moving away from being a submissive or from our relationship. But her email was clear that due to some factors in her life, she was rethinking what she wanted in relationships. This gave me the distinct impression that she is attempting to not be a submissive.

Because of the words and the tone of her email, I chose to fight the urge to attempt to dominate or discipline her out of this decision. She seemed both serious and determined, and knowing that she has a powerful spirit, I had to respect her decision. Part of me does worry that this is just a manifestation of the impulsiveness she constantly warned me of and that by not bringing her back under my guidance, I am somehow letting her down.

I grew very fond of my bunny during our time together and will miss her. She was a natural submissive who needed very little guidance. Based on this I was already making plans to move towards a more serious (M/s) relationship with her. These two things combined with her being my first sub make this a deep loss indeed. I do worry that, just as people tend to do in vanilla relationships, I may slip up and compare some future sub to my bunny. This would of course be unjust, as each sub requires careful analysis, guidance, and discipline unique to their own strengths and limitations. I suppose I should remain hopeful that my next sub will make up for any deficiencies in submissive nature with a stronger sense of commitment.

Things of which I can't freely speak.

2007-04-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

First, I feel the need to clarify this post title. There are very few topics which I will conceal or limit discussion on. After all, this is a blog dedicated to sharing my thoughts on the BDSM, D/s, M/s lifestyle. Avoiding frank discussion of what will necessarily be very delicate topics would be inherently counterproductive.

However I have two rules that I will follow in my posting:

The names of the innocent and not-so-innocent will be protected. I will go by the name Master Robert, but that is not my real name. My sub will be bunny, or Master Robert's bunny, or even just girl, but her real name and her other Name (I will cover this distinction in the future) will not be used. Other people who may come up in my writings will either be assigned pseudonyms, or just be referred to by a letter (Master B, my friend J, etc.).
Places may or may not be made clear. Depending on the impact of revealing the place of certain activities, I may choose to leave out the exact location, or even fabricate a new location. If I know you and you really want to know the where of a particular story, contact me and I may let you in on it.

Locale Not Defined

Last night a bunch of us ended up at a Seattle establishment that doesn't want to exist. At least not in any legal sense. After we went inside and paid the cover charge, we were told the rules of this place. One of the rules is that you cannot talk about it outside of the walls where it is held. I cannot write much about this place, other than to say that it is the most amazing display of underground illegal activity I have witnessed. Every activity I witnessed there was clearly illegal. And yet they were all activities that I would support the legalization of. The only downside to this place is that the air is thick with smoke, leaving non-smokers (perhaps smokers too) with irritated eyes and throats, and stinky clothes. And this is the kind of place were you want, no, are required to wear your finest.

I am playing with the idea of taking my bunny there in her collar and a very revealing dress, and leading her around by a leash. I suspect that most of the patrons won't even bat an eye.